Punch Drunk Love
by cyd ripley
Summary: connor smiled at him, and it made jude feel intoxicated. / aka, what if connor hadn't gotten shot and the two had hung out afterward?
1. Jude

Jude had not been having a good night.

The only reason he'd even agreed to participating in this stupid, _stupid _idea was the off chance he'd be alone with Connor. Even once. But here he was, awkwardly sitting with Taylor in the corner of her living room, watching Connor and Daria make out over on the sofa. The Jack Daniel's bottle had long since been emptied.

Jude had only pretended to drink it.

"This whole night was a bust, huh?" Taylor muttered, leaning against a dark leather armest, absentmindedly toying with the forgotten alcohol bottle. She most defnitely was not drunk, and he couldn't quite tell if she, too, had pretended to drink or if she was just hard to get drunk. Judging by the straight face she made when she took the shot, probably the latter.

Jude just nodded.

"Are you still hanging out with Connor after this?" There was a sympathetic look on her face. She pitied him, for wanting what he couldn't have- or, little did she know- wanting what he _did _have, and having to share it.

Jude shrugged. He leaned back, his head resting against the wall as he watched Connor with his so called girlfriend. "Maybe," he finally said, letting out a sigh. "hey probably doesn't want to anymore.

"Hey," Taylor said softly, leaning closer to him. She put a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly. "Don't say that." When he didn't respond, she let his hand fall from his shoulder. "I'm sorry Connor is straight."

Jude knew better than that, but he said nothing to correct her. That wasn't the situation, but secretly, he wished that it was.

Things would be much simpler.

* * *

"Are you _sure _you don't want to hang out with me?" Connor asked softly, a drunk smile on his face, his arms snaking around Jude's waist. They stood by their bikes, outside Taylor's house. The girls had left for Daria's place a few minutes prior. They were finally alone, and Jude was having trouble saying no to the question Connor kept asking. _He's just leading you on, _he tried to convince himself (to no avail).

"Fine," he said, finally, hesitantly. Connor's touch had, admittedly, weakened his judgement. Connor grinned at him and let go of his waist, backing up towards his bike.

"Great. There's a park about a block down, maybe we could go there? Talk?" He was quiet for a moment. "Or, you know, something else."

As Jude got on his bike, he found it hard to stop smiling like an idiot.

The ride was short and mostly done in silence. It was dark, and quiet, and Jude was pretty sure if they said anything at all everyone in the neighborhood would hear it. You could've heard a pin drop- it was peaceful.

"Turn here." Connor said, loud and rather abruptly, making a sharp turn. Jude followed, laughing at his best friend's (is that the word he should use?) recklessness.

"Are you sure you're sober enough to ride your bike right now?" Jude asked, smiling at Connor's back. The taller boy turned, just for a moment, locking eyes with him. Connor smiled at him, and it made Jude feel intoxicated.

They pulled over onto the curb near the park's entrance. "This is probably the smallest park I've ever seen," Jude joked. It was tiny, with brown grass and about one tree. _Very romantic. _Jude got off his bike and turned towards Connor, who was practically running towards him. "So what do you want to d-"

He was cut off by Connor's lips on his, pushing him back into the chain-link fence that surrounded the park. He closed his eyes as Connor held him by the face, pulling him further into the kiss. He pulled away for just a second, breathless. "At least let me take my bike helmet off first." Connor laughed, reaching up just under Jude's chin and unclipping the helmet.

"Okay, nerd," he whispered, chuckling as he threw the helmet over by his bike. "Better?"

Jude nodded, grinning as he wrapped his arms around Connor's waist, pulling him in for another kiss. "Very," he said as their lips met. They stayed like that for a second, just kissing, this one much softer than the last one. Jude broke the kiss to speak and Connor immediately moved to his neck, placing soft kisses where his hands had just been gripping tightly. "I think you're drunk." He let out a soft giggle as Connor pulled his lips away, just slightly, so they were barely touching him. He could feel his hot breath on his skin and it was making him dizzy.

"Just a little," Connor whispered, pressing down another soft kiss. "I was planning on doing this anyway."

And even though there were good intentions behind that line, it made him feel a little guilty. Is that what he had been thinking about while he was kissing Daria? It was good that Connor liked him and not her. It was good that she made it so they could hang out without his dad being weird about it... but she didn't know that. She thought Connor really liked him.

Connor moved back up to Jude's lips, kissing him again. Jude pushed him away. He couldn't. Connor looked confused, furrowing his eyebrows, staring at Jude. "What's wrong?"

"I- we can't."

There was a pained smile on Connor's face. "Yes, we can. We are." A beat passed, and the silence felt a bit threatening. "Don't you like me?"

Jude frowned, looking down at their feet. "Yes," he whispered, swallowing hard. "But you have a girlfriend."

Connor leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on Jude's. "You know I'm only with her so my dad won't suspect anything. I don't like her. I like _you."_ Jude noddded.

"I know. I know that, but she doesn't. She thinks you like her. I just- I know it would really suck if I was in her position. I don't think... I don't think I can do this. Not if you're still dating her."

Connor bit his lip, blinking a few times before he hesitantly responded. "She's the only way we can _be _together, Jude." The silence was back. "I just- don't you want that? Don't you want to be with me?" Jude stared into his eyes- they were a little glassy from the alcohol, but he could still see the pleading. He could see the hurt.

"Of course I do. I just... if you're pretending to date her everyday, and kissing her everyday, and making her think you really like her when you actually like me... am I really with you?" Neither of them had anything else to say.

"So, what? Do you not want to do this anymore?"

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just that we can't."

"Jude..." Connor stroked his cheek with his thumb, and Jude just shook his head.

"If something changes, just... let me know, okay? But right now we can't. It's just too hard. I'm sorry, okay?"

Jude let go of Connor and pulled his hands away from around his neck.

As he left, leaving Connor standing there, drunk and in shock, he felt a little sad that he hadn't kissed him one last time.


	2. Connor

It was Wednesday afternoon, the day after they'd snuck out, and Connor just wanted to go _home. _

To say things were awkward would be an understatement. Jude couldn't even meet Connor's eye. Not even once. And he would know, since he had been staring at Jude ever since they sat down to eat lunch. He really hoped Daria hadn't noticed.

Daria's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Do you guys want to go to the movies again Friday night?" Connor looked over at Jude, smiling at him, hopeful. He _really _wanted Jude to come with them. In fact, the original plan was for just Connor and Daria to go, but Connor insisted Jude come, too (and Taylor, he had said, but he mostly brought her up so Daria wouldn't get suspicious). His smile faded a bit when Jude kept his eyes fixed on the picnic table.

"I don't think so," Jude finally said, looking straight at Daria and avoiding Connor's gaze.

Connor noticed.

Daria looked a little surprised; Jude wasn't usually one to say no. "Oh. Um, why not?" she asked. Daria was obviously very happy about this.

Jude noticed.

"Um, well..." his voice trailed off as he tried to think of a good excuse. He reached up, rubbing his neck (a nervous habit of his. Connor thought it was adorable.), and Connor couldn't help but noticed that his hands were touching the same spot his lips had touched less than twenty-four hours ago.

"Me and Jude are hanging out that night. At his house. That's why we can't go," Taylor interjected, giving a small smile to Jude, who looked relieved. Was Jude trying to hide that he was hanging out with Taylor? Were Jude and Taylor _dating?_ That didn't make any sense. Jude would've told him...

Wouldn't he?

"Oh, that's awesome! Are you two finally dating?" Daria smiled at them, leaning in, obviously very interested in the fact that if they were dating, they probably wouldn't tag along on so many of her and Connor's dates. Daria had made it very obvious to him that she would much rather go on those dates _alone. _

Taylor's eyes got wide and both she and Jude furiously shook their heads. Jude's face got a little red as he looked back down to his feet. "Definitely not." That was all that was said on the matter. Daria looked disappointed- to say the least. The table suddenly got quiet. Thankfully, the bell sounded, breaking the awkward tension... well, mostly.

"Gotta go to class. Bye, Connor," Daria said with a smile, leaning forward and giving Connor a quick peck on the lips. Out of the corner of his eye, Connor noticed that this was the first time all afternoon Jude had looked at him.

Daria finally left, Taylor right behind her. Jude got up to follow them, but Connor gently gripped the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling him back. Jude faced him, looking a bit squeamish. "Hey, Jude. Um... about yesterday." Jude now looked like he might throw up on Connor's shoes right there. "We're still friends, right?" That's what he said; not what he meant. What he meant: "We're _at least _friends, right?"

Jude sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. He took such a long time to answer that Connor was afraid he was going to say no. Finally he looked up, meeting Connor's eyes. "Yeah, I guess so."

Connor smiled. It wasn't the most reassuring answer, but it was better than a no. "So, since we're friends, can you come to the movies with us on Friday?"

Jude shook his head. "I really don't _want _to, Connor," he said, a bit exasperated. For what felt like the billionth time that day, Connor stopped smiling.

"Why not? It'll be fun. We can hang out." Jude rolled his eyes, and suddenly he looked a bit murderous to Connor.

"Yeah, _with your girlfriend!"_

"Oh. We're having this conversation again, huh?" Connor muttered sheepishly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Jude hiked his backpack farther up on his shoulder. "No, forget it. Let's not." He turned to leave, and it seemed like Connor that talking to Jude was just hopeless at this point.

"Jude, wait. Listen, I know you don't like me with Daria. But you were the one who didn't want to date me." _Well, that was probably the stupidest thing you could've said in that situation. Way to go, Connor! _

Jude scoffed. "That doesn't make any _sense!"_ Jude whisper-shouted incredulously. "I didn't want to date you because you told me you wouldn't break up with her. I don't want to share you. It won't be fun if I have to watch you shove your tongue down her throat every day! It already isn't, and we aren't even dating! I don't want to go on a date with you with her there too, thinking she's the one on the date. Besides, she'll eventually find out anyway. It's just... It would make everything _harder."_

"It's just pointless to date you without dating her, too! My dad will never let us hang out if I don't have a girlfriend."

Jude was silent, but he could feel the unspoken words on the tip of his tongue. "Well, then that's that." He paused again, using the silence to end the conversation. "I've got to go to class."

Jude had once again left him alone, and this felt painfully similar to the night before. The memory left a bad taste in his mouth.

* * *

Connor slammed the car door shut, his dad immediately looking over at him. "Hey, kid," he said as he pulled out of the car lane, "how was school?"

Connor sat back in his seat, thinking over what he was about to say. "Are you only letting me hang out with Jude because I have a girlfriend?"

Mr. Stevens looked quite taken aback by this accusation. Mostly because it was true. "Um, well, I don't know if I can really say that. I let you hang out with him because he's straight, right? You said he made out with some girl in the tent."

Does he try to act like a total douche or is that just his natural persona? The world may never know.

"So, if I broke up with Daria, you'd still let me hang out with him, right? Because he's _straight?"_ he asked his dad, making sure to put careful emphasis on "straight."

Mr. Stevens looked at him, his forehead wrinkled, visibly shocked. "You're breaking up with Daria?"

Connor shrugged. He already regretted bringing this up. " I don't know. But would you let me-"

"Why?" his dad interrupted, a hand reaching to the volume button to turn the radio down. Out of everything, _that's _the part he cared about. Of course. What should Connor have expected?

"I don't know, I just don't like her that much. I haven't done anything yet, I just meant, you know, hypothetically." Connor's dad let out a sigh, looking back to the road. Connor rested his head on the back of the seat, giving up. He wasn't going to get a straight answer from his father, that much was obvious. He was just as conflicted as ever.

They road the rest of the way home in silence. Mr. Stevens never turned the volume back up.

"You know," Adam said to his son, pulling into the driveway of their small suburban house. "Daria's a great girl. I think you're lucky to have her."

Connor glanced over at his dad while he was speaking, then turned his gaze back out the window, sighing into the palm of his hand. His dad would be a hard one to crack.


End file.
